


What Hurts the Most

by Zimithrus1



Series: Always and Forever [5]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angel!Zack, Character Death, Clack, Clack Week: Day 3, Depression, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, Mild Language, Sad, Song Lyrics, Swearing, clack week, zakkura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 18:06:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7724476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zimithrus1/pseuds/Zimithrus1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the fourth anniversary of Zack's death and Cloud is struggling. He blames himself for the ravenette's untimely death, but also regrets never getting to tell him exactly how he felt. But a surprise visit from an unexpected guest just might give the blond the second chance he so desperately needs. CxZ Song-fic :) Rated M for language and alcohol abuse.</p><p>Uploaded for Clack Week<br/>Day 3: Lyrics :D</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Hurts the Most

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to check this little fic out! This was actually typed up some time ago and posted on fanfiction, but I figured this fic would be perfect to celebrate the third day of Clack Week! Woo! Plus, on this site, I can actually have song lyrics in my fic! :D
> 
> This idea came to me when What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts started playing on the radio when I was reading a story! Anyhow, I hope you'll all like it, and without further ado, here's 'What Hurts The Most', the full version! :)
> 
> *Sorry, not sorry for the beginning of this fic*

_The sky had grown cloudy all of a sudden. It had once been sunny with only a few puffy white clouds hovering in the air beforehand, yet within thirty minutes it was dark and cold. In fact, the sky was nearly painted black with how dark those cloud hung low in the sky above. The wind had picked up a little bit more and ruffled the musky smelling clothing the blond was currently clothed in._

_There was something dark hanging in the air, maybe it was just the weather. Whatever it happened to be, it didn't feel good. There was rapid gunfire in the distance, or was that just some oncoming thunder? It was hard to tell for certain past the haze in his hearing that accompanied Mako Addiction._

_All he knew is that Zack had left him here by these desolate cliffs and walked off. It was strange really. As soon as the ravenette left, he took those beautiful blue skies with him. He hoped the SOLDIER would come back soon, he didn't like being alone. This past month he had never been alone in any of his coherent moments. The First Class was **always** by his side no matter what, and he really appreciated it._

_No, he did more than appreciate it. He **loved** it. He loved everything about Zack, as weird as that sounded. They had spent only a year in unaware and peaceful bliss where they thought nothing was wrong. They were just two very close friends trying to achieve their greatest dreams. For the blond, he thought his greatest dream in life was to become a SOLDIER just like Sephiroth. But he never realized his views would change as he grew. _

_Through the years he had spent with his best friend, he realized there was more that he wanted. He wanted to be by the ravenette's side **forever**. He had been having these conflicting emotions ever since he met the SOLDIER in Modeoheim. At first, he had always admired the man from a distance for his strength, his non-judgmental attitude, and his positive atmosphere. He was everything that SOLDIER should be, rather than little to no brains and all brute strength._

_After befriending the vivacious teen that was only a year older than him, he realized there was more to life than his self-centered dream that he felt he had no hope of ever achieving. He wanted to be **more** than just friends with his best friend. He always chided himself for thinking such thoughts. Besides, how could someone like **Zack Fair** of all people even **fathom** being with a guy? A scrawny little cadet no less._

_As much as he knew he'd probably never have the First Class, it didn't stop him from ever hoping, ever wishing that it could eventually happen. He'd been struggling with his true feelings for the ravenette for many, many years. But eventually his brain finally caught up with his heart._

**_He truly loved his mentor and best friend. He truly loved Zack._ **

_He was going to tell him exactly how he felt after the mission on Nibelheim ended. He had it all planned out. He was going to gather up his courage, ask the ravenette if he wanted to go on a walk with him, find a perfect spot to come clean: That spot being their favorite bar and grill in LOVELESS plaza that they had been going to since the bud of their friendship first poked through the metaphorical soil._

_They were going to have a nice lunch, or dinner perhaps, then top it off with a cheesy sunset. The kind of 'spill your guts' atmosphere they always used in movies. Then he'd work up all his nerve and just tell him straight out with no words, just a kiss._

_That's how he had it all planned, but now as he sat there practically comatose against the walls of high cliffs, he knew that fantasy would never become a reality. That kind of bitter realization stung harshly. He hoped he'd be able to tell Zack exactly how he felt when he returned, when he was able to move on his own and speak again. Then he'd tell him. He'd tell him everything and lay it all on the line._

_Cloud tried to move again, but he found his hand hung lifeless by his side. He had been able to lift it before, just once, but now it seemed like it had been nailed down in place where it lay. No matter how hard he tried, he could only get his gloved fingers to twitch. There was harsh churning in his stomach that felt more like someone was taking a knife and stabbing him in the gut over and over again. He knew something was going to happen. He knew it wasn't going to be good, whatever **it** happened to be._

_He needed to move, he needed too! If he couldn't move or speak now, he'd probably never be able to tell the ravenette how he felt. That harsh pang in his stomach increased by tenfold when he realized that the thunderous gunfire sounds were exactly that: **Gunfire.** He tried harder to move, even just the slightest budge. Yet all he could do was twitch his damn fingers._

_He continued to frantically try to twitch and move his hand until the gunfire cease. His ears barely perked as they honed in for a familiar voice to start making its' way back towards the cliff. But it did not come. That unsettling feeling gnawing around in his gut began to increase even more so than it already had. Where was he? Where was Zack? He defeated them all, right? Gods, they didn't... **Kill him,** did they? Questions racked around in the incapacitated trooper's head. The twitching growing more frantic by this point._

_Then there was more gunfire and a bloodcurdling scream that only the mortally wounded could cry. Cloud's heart leapt to his throat at the cry. Sudden amounts of energy began to swell through him as his hands easily moved from his sides where they had once hung limp. With some effort, he was able to throw his body forward and peel himself away from the cliff he had been rested against. He shifted his arms from under his body and used all his strength to pull his face from the dry ground. He had to get to Zack, **now!**_

_That was when it began to rain._

_It first started as a light sprinkle, just a tiny drizzle even. But within seconds, the drops pelted his skin like cold ice. Each drop stung his exposed flesh on the arms and face, but it would not stop him. He alternated his hands, one in front of the other, until he began a shaky crawl towards the source of the scream. His legs nearly dragged behind him, hardly having any movement at all. He was able to scrape them across the ever moistening ground to propel himself forward, but it was still a snail's pace in the end. Thunder clapped from above as the rain fell even faster._

_The pelting felt more like a million pins stabbing repeatedly into his flesh and could even feel the bite through the clothes on his back. Who knew rain could hurt so much? The drops came down so fast that the stinging turned into a burning sensation. If it wasn't for the adrenaline coursing through his veins and the sheer panic bouncing around in his head, he would have just stopped and waited. But he knew that was no option, se he kept going._

_By the time he had crawled his way out of the cliffs, his entire body felt sluggish as if he was dragging himself through thick marshy mud. He paused in his slow advance to lift his head up a little higher, searching for his friend. He could have sworn his throat tightened when he saw Zack lying on that muddy ground bleeding out. He couldn't believe it._

_The army had taken down someone as mighty as Zack Fair..._

_It was the most heart wrenching scene the incapacitated cadet had ever seen. He laid there, barely even breathing by this point. He was trying to move too, but he was fairing much worse than the blond. He heard a liquidy cough come from his battle battered body and rasp harshly through the stormy air. A soft and pained moan echoed from the back of a hoarse voice as he tried to move. All he could do was shift his legs a bit._

_Cloud reserved his last bits of energy to drag himself closer to the fallen SOLDIER, almost wanting to cringe at the amount of blood coming from the ravenette's body. It was all over the desolate cliffs, turning transparent streams of rain into rushing red rivers all around his bullet-littered body. He could hear the raspy dying breaths of the twenty-three year old over his own advance across the cracking grounds. When making it to the older male's side, Cloud was able to pull himself up to sit on his knees, arms supporting his hunched frame._

_He had thick tears already swelling in his eyes at the sight. He looked so pale, so drained of his natural tanned color. It just wasn't right, none of this was. Why? Why was this happening? Zack couldn't die! He just **couldn't!** He was too strong to die, to stubborn and brash to die. Seeing him lying there losing life by the second felt so unreal that the cadet could have sworn he was only dreaming._

_"z-Zack?" He was able to ask, surprised his voice was able to come out. He hadn't talked for well over a month, and now all of a sudden his voice had returned._

_The ravenette looked up at his blond friend, the faintest traces of a smile tugging at the corner of his bow shaped lips. Some thick blood from his forehead oozed down his face and painted it with a bright red and runny glow. His chest heaved heavily and the blood just kept flowing._

_It was painstakingly obvious he was going to die. His face had been streaked with the crimson substance. It was so thick, so red. It was as if he had red clown pain streaked all over his face. The substance even seeped into his lips to give them more of a natural color._

_"For the...Both of us." He ended up grunting out, still looking at the blond hovering almost right above him. He did not break eye contact and the cadet could see the life just draining right out of them._

_"Both...Of us?" The blond asked back, his sentences were slow as if he was unsure of what he was really saying at the current moment._

_"That's right, you're gonna..." He began, but paused to release a raspy breath and suck it back in, trying to hold on for just a little bit longer._

_"You're gonna..." Cloud mimicked. Even the Mako was steadily leaving his eyes, a dull brown showing through in watery splotches._

_A blood stained glove reached up slowly towards him as that hand cupped the back of his head as if he was going to ruffle his hair like he usually did. But instead, the blond's head was pulled down against the SOLDIER's ever bleeding chest. The blood was warm, but even through the glove his hand had felt cold. Bone-chilling cold even._

_"-Live." Zack finished up, his hand slipping away from the cadet's head to fall lifelessly into a small puddle of collecting rainwater, a soft splash following after._

_Cloud brought his head back up, feeling that warmth on his own face. He knew it was the blood of his best friend, and that alone gave him goosebumps across his arms. He stared at the ravenette while he was stared back at. It was silent from the two men, save for the beating of the rain against the ground like a steady drum and the occasional clap of thunder and flash of lightning wordlessly painting the bleak sky._

_How could he tell Zack how he felt now? It would serve no purpose. His pitiful admission would fall not only on deaf ears, but dead ones at that. But he had been wanting to tell him so badly how much he meant to the trooper. What should he do? He saw the First class suck in another raspy breath, about to speak._

_"My honor, my dreams..." He began as his right hand began to drag the ever prized Buster sword across the ground and close to him. He gently offered up the blade to his young friend, where it lingered in the air for a moment._

_"-They're yours now." He finished, still holding the blade up for the cadet to take._

_Cloud slowly reached out and wrapped both of his hands around the red hilt, getting a feel for it in his hands for a moment. The blade was then softly pushed at him as the hand of the previous owner splashed back down to the puddling ground once more. The blond gripped the hilt a little tighter in his hands. No way. This couldn't be happening. Zack? Giving up his most prized possession in the world?_

_"You'll be...My living legacy." Zack spoke once more, his voice cracking and leaving even more than before._

_It was silent once more as the former infantryman slowly took the time to process those words. A living legacy? So, for the both of them...Would he live for his friend as well as himself? Was that what he meant? He had to go on without his best friend. He had to go on without telling the SOLDIER how he really felt._

_He had to go on without the only one who had ever shown him kindness throughout their Shin-Ra days, the only man he could call a true friend in his book. The only one he wouldn't mind calling **more** than just a friend. The two had even made a little greeting where they put their arms up to form the shape of an 'x' when they touched._

_"I'm...Your living legacy." Cloud repeated, but this time there was some determination in those words. He was going to live for the both of them._

_A soft, yet real, smile flittered across Zack's colorless face. He closed his eyes as he relaxed his body against the cold ground. He took once last deep breath and slowly exhaled it. Then he passed on. It was silent once more, the kind of quiet that makes your ears ring. Then realization finally sunk in. He was dead._

_Zack Fair was dead._

* * *

 

Cloud awoke with a start. He looked around quickly to see that he was in his bedroom. He quickly glanced out the window on his right to observe how it looked outside. It was dark, signaling that it was night. His wide Mako tainted blue eyes snapped over to his left and looked at a digital clock sitting idly on an end table beside his bed. The clock displayed the time of two forty-eight in the morning.

The blond twenty-three year old raked his hands through his hair and let out a pained sounding groan. Then his wide eyes seemed to bug out even more when he remembered something. He quickly snatched up his flip-phone and popped the thing open to display the date. September twenty-ninth. The room fell into complete silence then. Cloud drowned out the sound of the ceiling fan spinning from above, he drowned out his own breathing and the sound of his own heart beating.

This was the day Zack was killed.

It was no wonder he had that damn nightmare again. Ever since his death, always on this date, the blond would have the same nightmare of reliving his best friend's and one sided significant other's death again. This day was always obscenely rough for him, often time he had a shitload of trouble just trying to cope. Even after four years of his death come to passing, he never moved on. He was still stuck in never-ending purgatory.

Then those feelings of guilt began to swell in his chest again. Not again, enough of the guilt already. He already knew it was his own damn fault for the ravenette's death. If he could have just moved, just let Zack know he had reached out to him before he disappeared, then he wouldn't have had to die. A choked sob escaped past through his barely parted lips. It was his fault, it was all his fault. If only the guilt and pain could stop reminding him of that nearly every day then _maybe_ he'd be able to move on. But he just couldn't.

Especially knowing he never got to tell the former First Class how he had been feeling about him all those years. Now he'd never have his chance.

That alone just caused a thick black blanket to swarm over his head and weigh him down. He was used to that swarming depressed feeling. He even named it. He called it the 'Metaphorical mind-numbing black blanket guilt'. A bit of a mouthful, but it described the feeling spot on. He glanced back over at the clock, a pained expression overtaking his features as he realized only three minutes had passed since he last looked at that damn clock.

These nights were always the longest nights of his life. They seemed to last a full year rather than just a day. There was only one temporary solution to his guilt and crushing depression.

Get piss-ass drunk and pretend everything was alright.

He threw off the covers roughly enough that the blanket flew off the other side of the bed and sprawled over the cold wood floor below. He slowly stood up from the messy queen sized bed and stalked out of the bedroom and into a dark hallway, his simple black t-shirt bunched up near the elastic band of his dark grey sweatpants. That heavy feeling in his head pushed down deeper, making it feel like there was a one ton weight nestled right on his scalp. A heavy feeling like lead decided to settle in his stomach to make temporary residence for the remainder of this long day.

He approached the stairs that would lead him into the bar downstairs. Rooming in Seventh Heaven did have its perks, even if the brunette he used to room with always frowned upon his bad habits. But then again, it doesn't really matter because she had given up on him two years ago. Said something about how she couldn't stand his unstable behavior and thought it best they go their separate ways. So she left him with the bar and she took the kids with her. It was probably for the best anyways, what good would he be for them anyways? He wasn't even any good to himself.

He made his way down the old wooden steps, the planks creaking under his bare feet as he descended. When he touched solid and flat ground he looked up to observe his surroundings. It was dark down here, save for one light he left on at all times. A single red coated ceiling lamp hung down in the center between the bar counter and the delectable liquid numbness behind it.

He padded his way towards the bar, going right into it as he looked over the choices he had to pick from. On this date, he needed something that would really fuck him up. Stupid Mako. Due to his addiction a good three years ago, it made it damn near impossible to get wasted.

With a low growl, he yanked down an entire tall bottle of Everclear and an equally tall bottle of Baily's Irish cream to take out the bitter taste of the Everclear, but still double strong. He set the glass bottles down on the bar counter behind him, then reached down under the bar and pulled out a tall mug, proceeding to make his way around the counter to have a seat on a dark wooden barstool. He huffed out and ran his right hand through his hair again, a habit he had picked up a while ago.

Without thinking and just wanting to become numb, he smashed the two bottles against the counter, shattering the fragile necks with ease. He then poured the foaming liquids into the tall glass, filling it right up to the rim. He set each both the broken bottles down and swiped the glass into his right hand. He put the rim to his lips and tilted his head back, beginning to chug the whole damn concoction.

The Everclear burned like fire straight from Ifrit, but the creamy liquor gave it a hint of sweetness and soothed the irritated burn with a milky texture. It was like eating really runny cinnamon flavored ice-cream. It wasn't the most tasty concoction he had ever created, but it was probably the best one he ever made to get completely shitfaced. Within seconds, the glass had been completely emptied and he hurried back for another round.

Two rounds turned into four, while those four turned into six, then to eight. By the time he knew it, he had finished off both bottles in twelves glasses and was cracking open two more of the same mixture to ingest. He already felt blissfully numb, but knowing how it reacted to the Mako, this numbness wouldn't last long. Therefore, he had to get even more far gone in the liquid crutch.

Time blurred for those heavily intoxicated moments. He wouldn't mind getting alcohol poisoning to counter-act that Gaiadamn Mako poisoning. Bottles and shards of colored glass littered the counter and the floor all around him. His eyes drunkenly glanced up to an analog clock hanging above the bar. The time was three twenty-four in the morning. He hadn't even spent an hour being blissfully unaware of his pain. Knowing not much time had passed, that black blanket went back to lightly settling on his head again.

"I dun't fuckin' think so... Ya' stupid blanket a' stupidness..." Cloud slurred, reaching over the bar counter and yanking down the first thing his grabby fingers came in contact with: Which happened to be a lovely bottle of vodka.

He cracked the neck of that one too and poured it very messily into his glass, mostly spilling the liquor all over the table and only making half of what he poured into the glass. He brought that to his lips and chugged, absolutely despising the taste it left it his mouth. It felt like as if he had just got done downing the bubbling peroxide used to disinfect scraped knees or bloody cuts.

While the taste was bitter, the effect it gave was much sweeter. He fell deeper into his numb unawareness of his feelings, his guilt, and the time even. Before his alcohol fogged brain could catch up with his body, he had already finished off that entire bottle of vodka. Now he could barely continue sitting up straight, but that meant that the liquor was doing its job.

He stood up from the bar and shuffled across the glass dusted floor. Most of the thick shards cut straight into his feet and made them bleed, but he was too far gone to even notice the pain. He trudged his way over to a far corner of the bar that acted more like a classy lounge like you see in those high-end late night clubs.

His eyes glanced over a radio sitting on an end table next to a chair. He turned it on and tuned it to some random station before he crashed down onto a large leather pine green loveseat and buried his face into the left armrest as the rest of his body lazily slopped over the rest of the furniture.

He let his eyes close for a moment. It was so relaxing he actually ended up dozing off to a song about a crazy bitch and how she fucked so good.

* * *

 

Cloud groaned roughly as he felt himself coming to again. He had a sharp headache and a light ringing in his ears. He just _knew_ the effects of being drunk had already worn over into a nagging hangover. He slowly pried his heavy eyelids open to take a look around. Even though there was only one dim light hanging a good twenty feet away above the bar, it felt more like someone had stage lights set up and had them blaring right into his eyes.

Looking away from the light and towards the clock again, he decided to see if his liquor induced nap help him waste a good part of the day away. He groaned in an exasperated manner when he saw that the time was only three fifty-eight in the morning. Now that the highs of being drunk were gone, the side effects of the hangover were really kicking his ass. Not to mention that gnawing guilt started chewing on his head again.

Honestly, he really felt like crying just in knowing he could never escape his guilt for very long. He slowly eased himself up to a sitting position and sat there for a moment before he clenched his teeth tightly and hissed sharply before a sob broke the noise he was currently making.

" **Why can't you just leave me alone!?"** He screeched to no one in particular as the guilt crashed over him tenfold.

Thick and globby tears blurred his sight before they cascaded down his pink flushed cheeks. He was just too weak in the end. The reason why the guilt always caught up to him in the end. He was just too frail to move on and accept what really happened.

Too far gone in the past that he was forsaking the present. But did it really matter? Ever since that day he had been keen on doing nothing but moping, screaming, drinking, and forsaking his own life. Why had _he_ been the one to live? Zack had so much more to live for. He still had plenty of caring friends, a loving family he could return home to, he still had plenty of smiles to give and everyone to give them to.

He would have rather traded his life for Zack's _any_ damn day of the week. Another sob broke through and echoed throughout the dimly lit bar and back to his own ears. If only he had been stronger. If only he could have just told him how he felt. If only. If only. So many if's that he could never fulfill and would never have the chance to even attempt it. Ironically, a song on the radio played about this girl singing of her hurting too. It almost made the blond want to smash the thing.

Over the soft music and the harsh sobs, the front door to the bar cracked open. The bell attached to the top hinge danced wildly, signaling that someone was entering. Cloud's head immediately shot up -regretting it afterwards because of the damn headache- and glanced towards the opening door. Then, in stepped a sight the blond was sure he would never see again.

A familiar head with hair of disheveled jet black spikes resembling the quills of a porcupine. A single strand hanging down to frame that well defined face. Gentle sun kissed skin that seemed to glow even from this distance. Bright and electrifying Mako blue eyes with a big and sharp smile to brighten up his eyes even more so. That familiar cross shaped scar shooting across a defined jawline. Even wearing that familiar First Class outfit.

Behind him and attached to his back was a pair of magnificent angel wings. They were grey at the base, but tapered into a beautiful ivory white at the ends. He fully stepped into the bar and looked around. The smile on his face falling some when he saw the smashed bottles and bits of broken glass everywhere. He then glanced over in the blond's direction, a pitifully sad and soft smile gracing the corners of those bow-shaped lips of his.

"Gaia Spiky, is this what you've been up to lately?" He asked, electric blue eyes melding with shocked blue ones.

No way. How was this even remotely possible? There was no way in Hell that _Zack_ of all people was standing in the doorway. He was _dead!_ This was just too weird. Maybe he was still shitfaced and didn't even realize it? That had to have been the most logical explanation right now. But shit, he didn't even feel the highs of being drunk, just the hangover. Did that mean this was all real?

"Wha- I? You-...No, this isn't real." Cloud stammered aloud, trying to find an explanation in his shock.

Then the ravenette began to laugh. It had the blond stop his stammering and stare. He watched the older man chuckle, the way his shoulders bounced and his grin pulled up even higher and brighter. Even his hair seemed to sway with his laughter.

"There's my little dumb-struck Chocobo. I figured you hadn't changed much after all." Zack responded, beginning to make his way over toward the confused and nearly horrified blond.

" **But you're fucking dead!** " Cloud shouted, upsetting his headache slightly.

At that, the ravenette stopped in his tracks, smile falling from his face. Instead, a serious expression settled in. A soft sigh followed by a weak grin in the corner of his mouth came next.

"And you'd be right about that too, Spiky." He stated, shoving his gloved hands into his pockets.

Cloud was stunned silent again. So he _wasn't_ hallucinating, he _wasn't_ still drunk, and this _was_ actually happening. But, how was it even possible? Due to the wings on his back he was obviously an angel now, but why would he come _now?_ It just didn't add up. If he could have come before, then why didn't he? So, the blond voiced his confusion.

"If you could come here all this time, then why _now?_ " Cloud spat out, not meaning to sound angry when he said it, even though it came out that way in the end.

"I know you're upset with me. But believe me, Cloud, doing this isn't easy. I'm using a lot of my strength here just to stay grounded to Gaia right now, let alone spare some of that energy to talk and interact with you in a physical form." Zack explained, continuing his advance towards the awestruck man until he was standing right in front of him.

"Ph-Physical form?" Cloud asked with barely a voice. What did he mean by that?

He was greeted with a small smile that actually seemed to reach his ears.

"I've been with you this whole time you know." He responded.

That's when the blond's mouth fell open and he could have sworn his jaw just hit the floor with how wide it was hanging open.

"Everyone in this world has a guardian angel, Cloud, don't you know that? We angels just can't really maintain a physical form until we build up enough spiritual power to do so." The ravenette explained, taking a seat on the right side of the still shocked blond.

"Look, I know you probably think you're dreaming or something, but listen to me when I tell you this. This is _real._ I mean, when Angeal died, he became my angel you know. When I died, he came down from the sky and helped lead me to the afterlife. It was a pretty liberating feeling, but anyways, this is most definitely real." Zack explained, rambling for a bit in the middle before getting back to the main point.

"This...Is real..." Cloud mimicked softly, almost losing his voice in the sudden realization of it all.

Tears then swelled up thickly in the corners of the blond's eyes before he just threw himself at the angel sitting next to him. He latched on tightly, never really getting to hug the former SOLDIER before. There was that one time back when they were on duty at the Golden Saucer and he had one of his break downs, not wanting to let the -at the time- Second Class see him cry in the gondola ride.

" _I've missed you so much!!_ " He cried, feeling the old warmth of the ravenette against his own clammy skin. Even though he was breaking down, he couldn't help but feel warm and satisfied inside.

"I know you have, Spiky. If I could have visited you any sooner, believe me, I would have." Zack reassured as he gently wrapped his arms around the other man.

For a moment, that's all they did. Just embrace while one of them cried and asked for forgiveness for letting him die over and over again. Of course, the ravenette would have none of that 'it's my fault' self-loathing bit and told him that it was not his fault that he died.

At that, a huge weight just lifted off the blond's chest knowing he was forgiven. He pulled away from the angel and just smiled brightly at him, something he hadn't done in a good number of years. He couldn't believe Zack was actually here! He had so many things to talk about; so much he wanted to ask him, so much he wanted to catch him up on. But then he stopped when he realized he could finally tell the ravenette what he wanted to tell him all those years ago, but never got the chance.

He wanted to quickly shrug the thought away, however. What would it matter anyways? It's not like he could have a future with him anyways, the former First Class was still dead after all. Why even bother admitting how he felt? It would just be a waste of time anyways, and besides, the thought of rejections still plagued him. He'd rather not waste his time and save himself the misery.

"Spiky, you alright?" Zack asked, easily able to sense the blond's sudden discomfort.

"It's nothing, really." Cloud quickly lied.

"Uh-huh, why don't you try telling me the truth?" The ravenette mused, arching a black eyebrow in the other man's direction.

"I'm _not_ lying!" The blond quickly countered, perhaps a bit too harshly as he responded.

"You are too; you're doing that thing you do when you always lie." Zack brought up, wiggling his eyebrows playfully as a smile etched across his face.

"Thing? What thing?" Cloud quickly asked, horrified that he had secretly been giving himself away all this time.

"You roll your eyes to the left when you lie. Honestly, give me some credit, I _am_ your best friend after all!" The ravenette responded with a heartfelt laugh as his smile stretched ear to ear.

"I do _not_ roll my eyes!" The twenty-three year old sputtered, subconsciously rolling his eyes as he lied yet again.

" _Ah!_ You just did!" The would have been twenty-four year-old pointed out, even going so far as to point his right index finger at him.

"Whatever you say, Zack!" Cloud countered as a large smile spread across his lips a whole lot easier than he thought it would come.

So after all this time he really could still smile. Feeling this good almost felt foreign to him. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed and grinned and been playfully teased like this. Honestly, the ravenette was the only one that could make him feel whole again. He knew this wouldn't and couldn't last forever though, so he had to make the most of his limited time.

The thought of him confessing his feelings jumped back to the front of his head again. He quickly brushed it aside. There was simply no point to do it now. He missed his chance the first time back when the ravenette was still _alive._ Why should he be graced with another chance when he was most certainly _not_ alive? A heavy feeling began to churn in the pit of his stomach, making him feel nauseous. A very dreadful feeling settled in following suit. It felt like all the nervous butterflies in his stomach just died.

He missed his opportunity and now brooding over how he missed it the first time was causing him to feel not so good anymore, even though his best friend was sitting right next to him. He'd just keep it to himself.

Then all of a sudden, a song playing on the radio reached his ears. The lyrics were hitting dead on, like the singer was telling Cloud's turmoil to the world in his lyrics.

 _'I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me. I can take a few tears every now and then and just let 'em out._  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though goin' on with you gone still upsets me.  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay, but that's not what gets me...'

How on Gaia could a song describe exactly how he had been feeling these past four years and how he was feeling now? Zack just looked at him with a puzzled look on his face as he saw his friend's eyes widen in realization. Instantly, those widened blue eyes snapped over to his friend and he opened his mouth to speak.

"Zack?" He tenderly treaded.

_'What hurts the most was being so close, and havin' so much to say and watchin' you walk away...'_

"What is it, Cloud?" The ravenette responded with concern laced in his voice.

_'And never knowin' what could have been and not seein' that lovin' you is what I was tryin' to do...'_

"There's...Something I've been wanting to say....For a long time now." The blond continued, not able to believe he was actually about to say what had been on his mind for over five years now.

"Alright, I'm listening. Just let it out." Zack responded, gently turning his body on the couch so he was directly facing the fidgeting man.

_'It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go, but I'm doin' it.  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone...'_

"Well...You know that we've been best friends for a long time, and that there isn't a thing in the world we wouldn't do for each other..." Cloud continued, barely able to hold direct eye contact with his friend that he was just about to confess to.

"Of course!" The ravenette responded with a big grin, wings behind his back gently beginning to drape the little loveseat.

_'Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret. But I know if I could do it over I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken...'_

"And, friends are always honest with each other about their feelings and don't keep anything in the dark..." He added on, a bright red blush assaulting his face as he tried his best to get it all out before chickening out. This song was just pulling out all the words he kept locked up tight in his heart. Honestly, he didn't know if that was a good or bad thing by now.

"Right..." Zack drawled, his playful smile dropping down into more of a serious expression as Cloud continued with his admission.

_'What hurts the most is bein' so close, and havin' so much to say and watchin' you walk away...'_

"Well, ever since we became friends, I've been struggling with something for a really long time..." The blond spoke, sighing heavily as he began to shake. He had to glance at the ground.

_'And never knowin' what could have been, and not seein' that lovin' you is what I was tryin' to do... Ohh, Yeeaheaa-!'_

He couldn't hold eye contact with the ravenette anymore. The churning in his stomach was just pushing around all his dead butterflies and it was a sad and sorrowful feeling. But he already got this far, he couldn't back out now. He took a quick breath and gently rolled his eyes back up to meet with the ravenette's.

"I guess, what I'm trying to say is that-"

_'Not seein' that lovin' you...'_

Cloud was silenced when he felt a pair of lips brush against his own tenderly. It was so warm, so soothing, so inviting. He gently eased his lips against the ravenette's. He felt so whole now, like two pieces of a puzzle finally fitting together after a long time of being lost. Passion blazed intently between the two as the fire was kept ignited with a few slow movements across the other's flesh.

_'That's what I was tryin' to do...'_

When the song ended, the two pulled away. They were both flushed red in the face and barely breathing as they gazed into the other's eyes. The only thing that could be heard were the instruments of the song barely fading away and the faint ticking of the analog clock above the bar.

"You mean, all this time, you felt-" Cloud began with barely a voice, but he was silence when he as pulled into the softest yet passionate embrace he had ever been wrapped up in.

White and grey toned wings swirled around their forms, encasing them in a warm and feathery cocoon where only they existed and nothing else mattered in that moment in time. Cloud felt happy tears brimming thickly in the corners of his eyes, and he just let them out as he snuggled himself further into the comforting warmth of his best friend -scratch that- significant other. He rested his face against his broad shoulder and held on tightly.

"You know, I planned on telling you this after the Nibelheim mission..." Cloud softly admitted as he never wanted this moment to end.

"Funny story there, Spiky. I was planning that too." Zack responded gently, using such a soft and loving tone that the blond could have sworn it made him melt.

They remained in that warm embrace for some time before those beautiful wings slowly unfurled and let cool air greet their heated faces and bodies. They each gazed into the other's eyes while smiling brightly. Cloud just couldn't believe the ravenette had felt the same way that he did. He was so overjoyed he swore he could have just cried on the spot again.

Zack turned his head to look out the window. It was still dark, but the faintest traces of morning were seen barely brushing across the bottom of the horizon as a lighter shade of a blue toned indigo. He turned back towards the blond with a sad, yet loving, smile on his naturally tanned face.

"I can't stay any longer, I'm starting to fade." He responded, his image becoming transparent for a few split seconds before it solidified once more.

Dread just sank in Cloud's chest and stomach when he heard those words. Without thinking, he gripped the ravenette for dear life. He held him close and tight, not ever wanting him to disappear from his life ever again.

"Oh, Spiky. You know I'm always going to be with you." Zack responded in a tone much like one used to comfort a child that just had a nightmare.

"I know...But I'm not ready to see you disappear from me again..." The blond pitifully admitted.

There was a soft static sound as the ravenette's image blurred a bit much like bad reception on an antenna TV before it cleared out. This time it jumped straight back to becoming faded, a look of soft strain on his face as he tried to stay in his physical form for just a little bit longer. Cloud looked up at him with teary eyes and he knew the former SOLDIER had to go soon. So he carefully eased himself away from his guardian angel.

"Hey, Cloud?" Zack asked softly, unlike his usual boisterous voice.

"Yeah?" The blond responded back.

Lips connected one last time in one final heated moment. Lingering for long and passionately drawn out moments as they both tried to burn the feeling into their minds and mouths permanently. A few soft kisses added in the first long one, still keeping those little embers alight with a faint warmth and glow. Then it was gently broken off, leaving a pleasant feeling on the other's lips.

"I love you." He said with a big ear to ear grin.

A large smile took over Cloud's face as his bright blue eyes shimmered with his excitement to hear those words.

"I love you too." He responded softly.

As soon as those words had left his mouth, black encroached the corners of his eyes. Within seconds, the black overtook his sight and he blacked out.

* * *

 

Cloud's eyes snapped open. He was laying down in his bed and staring up at his ceiling, watching the blades spin slowly in a clockwise circle. He leaned his head over to the right to see bright daylight shining in through the window. He quickly sat up and looked at the time. The clock on his left displayed the numbers of eight thirty-five.

Feeling a cold chill run through his blood, he tossed off the covers and all but scrambled out of his bed. He took off from his bedroom, barreling down the ever dim hallway and throwing himself down the wooden stairs as quickly as he could. When he reached ground level and his expectant eyes glanced up at the bar, he was in for heartache.

There were no shards of glass coating the ground, no mugs sitting idly against the countertop, no smashed bottle necks left to sit out in the open. The three bottles of liquor he had drank were sitting on their proper shelves like he had never been down here at all. He looked around the floor and saw none of his blood coating the wood below. He glanced over to the lounge to see the radio off and the furniture undisturbed.

He even checked the sides and bottoms of his feet and found that he had no bloody cuts or scabs at all. So all of that, was it all just a dream after all? He never got drunk? Never cut his feet or actually saw Zack. Never admitted how he felt and learning that the ravenette felt the same way? It was all a dream?

Cloud's whole posture slumped as he retraced his steps from only a few measly hours ago. No blood. No glass. No mess. No _nothing_. It really all had been just a dream. The blond felt so hollow realizing this. With anger masked mostly behind sorrow, he made his way back up to his bedroom to grieve in private. He just couldn't believe it. That kiss they shared, it felt so warm, so _real_.

He gently touched his index and middle finger to his lips as he made his way up the stairs. His whole body shivered when there was no warmth anymore. No fire, no passion. He was just cold and alone again. He trudged back into his bedroom and looked around with crestfallen eyes.

He drug himself over to his bed and sat down on the edge, hanging his head down to stare at the wood floor below him. He probably fabricated all that in his sleep so he wouldn't feel as sad as all the other anniversaries of Zack's death. If anything, it just made him feel even worse than before. He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling moisture billow in the centermost corners of his eyes. He really hated this. But when he opened his eyes, he was in for a shock.

Sitting idly by his feet was a large grey and white feather. Cloud snatched it up, gazing at it as he twirled the base of it between his right index finger and thumb. He looked all around the room as he held onto the feather even tighter than before. A soft chuckle that the blond _knew_ belonged to the ravenette echoed around the entirety of his bedroom. A smile graced the corners of his lips.

"Zack?”

**Author's Note:**

> Finally! It's finished!! *fingers fly off my hands as my spine bursts out of my back exclaiming 'sweet, sweet freedom'!* Okay, not really, but now I can finally sit back and relax! XD
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! I appreciate every review and they just make my day!  
> Funny story though, when I was writing out Cloud's admittance scene, I had What Hurts The Most playing on repeat on my phone for the entire thing! Then when I finished that part I played ‘The older I Get’ by Skillet on loop too! XD I'm such a nerd!
> 
> I hope you liked this one shot, and happy third day of Clack Week! :D


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